John Moses

I was born in Toronto Canada, not the Canada depicted by Michael Moore where everyone leaves their doors open. Nor is it the Toronto where 8 people got shot last year by a Somali teenager. My parents married young and were in love when I was born. That didn’t last. When they split up, me and my younger brother were raised by my father. Nobody messes with my little brother but me. My father is a very nice man, and we all know where they finish. I saw very little of my mother. My mother is an alcoholic, and when she drinks she can say some of the most hateful things ever uttered. I take after my mother. I’m a bit of a misogynist. Alcoholism and mental illness run rampant in my family on both sides. I’m part Native, that doesn’t help. I did alright in school up until my third year of college when all I did was drink, smoke weed, pop pills and snort lines. In the last class I attended the chalkboard was waving in and out. I’ve been in a lot of fights, probably around 30. I probably won about half of those (or lost half if you want to be a negative dick). One St. Patrick’s Day I came out of a black out in the middle of a fight with a bouncer, three seconds before he broke my nose. It’s been broken four times in total. On another St. Patrick’s Day someone broke my jaw. I’m not Irish. After a fight I once ripped a man’s earrings out of his ears. I stopped wearing earrings the next morning. I broke a bottle over a guys face for bumping a girl I wasn’t even sleeping with. I still feel kind of bad about that. I’ve slept with a lot of heavyset women, black, white and Latino. I’ve had a DUI, if I ever want to get my license back in Ontario I have to have one of those stupid breathalyzer contraptions installed, the ones that make you look like you’re trying to suck your own dick. I quit drinking 6 years ago. I quit sleeping with whores 4 years ago. I’m trying to be a better person. Oh I also do stand up comedy. Hearing Bob Seger's "Turn The Page" while driving home from some shitty gig at 2am nearly brings me to tears!