The Filthy Low Down

This is the usual spot where somebody from the band writes a third-person narrative highlighting the band's accomplishments and spouting off some quaint bullshit story about how everyone came together. Well, let's keep the third-person perspective, but ditch the propaganda garbage. One day, three semi-functional alcoholics -- Abe, Max, and Brandon -- decided to strum on guitars and yell into a microphone just coherently enough that the neighbors would at least call the cops for a noise complaint and not mistake it for a double homicide, which is probably for the better because they've been known to kill drifters on occasion to get an erection. Sick fucks, but I digress. One night, on a hunt for another drifter to feed their erotic bloodlust and drive their music, they came across Dennis living in a refrigerator box in an alley. In a twisted device in their hobo-related sexual satisfaction, they gave Dennis an ultimatum: play a badass drum line or suffer the consequences. He ended up rocking that shit; what a serendipitous turn of events. After numerous unsuccessful searches for a vagrant who could play the bass, the band met Charlie, who got lost in McKees Rocks on his way from Club Erotica to the beer distributor. After watching him play some Geezer Butler lines on the air bass, the band was so impressed they said, fuck it, and gave him a real one -- the results were much less successful. He was cool enough, though, so he's jamming out with them until they find a well-trained chimp who can strum the whole six notes he plays in each song. Now on the move to offset the costs of their hobo-murdering-to-reach-climax addiction, you can find The Filthy Low Down playing at local bar mitzvahs, children's parties, retirement homes, and anywhere else they can rock out with their legion of seven fans and that creepy guy who comes to shows by himself and tries to make conversation with you about that GWAR concert he saw in '92. So do you have money, lots of Duquense Pilsner, or a cute female friend, relative, or acquaintance above the age of 21? Then get The Filthy Low Down at your next event! The faster they get work, the sooner they will overcome their insatiable thirst for reaching climax by means of homeless homicide -- and you never know when it will be somebody you care about on the streets when they're lurking around. thefilthylowdown@gmail.com