Sugar Fix

It’s mean, it’s hairy, it’s huge, it’s SugarFix. Founded by Filthy Rodriguez and Sir Nacho The 1st who met when Filth noticed Sir Nacho through the lingering smoke in an opium den just outside Pakistan in the late 1800’s. Filth lured Nacho into conversation with his signature culinary creation: fried chicken. A lone stream of oil crept down Sir Nacho’s chin forming a pool between his glistening breasts and as Filth reached to dab Nacho’s incredibly masculine chest with a nearby napkin their eyes met . . . And in that moment they knew . . . They were destined to form the stupidest band that ever rocked your pathetic balls off. A self absorbed ego-maniac hopelessly addicted to Tic-Tacs, Filthy Rodriguez began his life as Douglas Bubbletrousers, claiming his parents to be Cloris Leachman and a toilet seat. He had a typical childhood spent kicking puppies, dropping babies down abandoned wells, burning ants and having sex with fruit. When Douglas was in his late teens he was abducted by a roaming brood of gypsies from space who took him to their home planet Zorgnaff. The Zorgnaffians performed cruel and unusual experiments on him that included but were not limited to breast implants, Vin Diesel movies, knitting, and of course anal probing. It was there that King Zorgsie O’Donnel of Zorgnaff discovered The Golden Turd, a powerful device that Bubbletrousers would later freeze and hand carve into an exact likeness of Walt Disney’s right index and middle fingers which he still carries carefully tucked in the back of his pants today. The Zorgnafians returned Douglas Bubbletrousers to his native planet as “Fithy Rodriguez," and went on their anal probing way. Filth quickly formed Dumpster Baby Caserole, a barber shop quartet that spent a decade performing Debbie Gibson covers at random Boy Scout retreats and 7-11’s. But paranoid that he was being chased by angry squirrels he fled America to Norway where he enrolled in the Stockholm Academy of Viking Technology. There he studied under Vlad The Average who taught him the most important of all Viking philosophy, “Rape and pillage, THEN burn.” Feeling one with his inner failure, Filthy Rodriguez rode his magic golden Disney fingers back to Pakistan to reunite with his long lost soul mate Sir Nacho The 1st and go on to form the greatest band in world history. Sir Nacho The 1st entered the world in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant outside Chiguaga as Sir Nacho The 1st. A 27 pound baby with the head of a full grown man he emerged holding nothing but his freakishly gigantic manjunk and a chicken wing. His parents Tattoo from Fantasy Island and Opra Winfrey forced him into competitive eating, but was banned from the popular sport when officials found traces of the performance enhancing drug Ex-Lax in his blood. Humiliated and ashamed, he retreated to Pakistan to follow his dream of becoming a barber, but spent his teen years working various odd jobs with Microsoft as a customer support technician and a cab driver, eating nothing but gunpowder curry soup while masturbating with camel spit. Sir Nacho’s luck turned when he landed a job at “Wholesale Habib’s,” an automobile dealership specializing in Jeeps with anti-aircraft machine guns mounted in the back seat. Now earning up to $1.50 a week he was able to afford the finer things in life, like stretchy pants. But Sir Nacho soon grew increasingly weary of his duties which sometimes included harvesting Wholesale Habib’s pubic hair to be used in Burt Reynold's wig. His freedom came when Wholesale Habib became confused by listening to Henry Rollins Spoken Word CD’s, duct taped dynamite to his chest, and hijacked a pickup truck full of sexually confused chickens. When his demands of closed toe shoes, a woman without a beard and for Adam Sandler to use his big boy voice were not met he detonated the dynamite and disappeared in an unimpressive plume of smoke and purple feathers. This not uncommon act broke Sir Nacho The 1st from his chains of slavery. However he soon found the world to be empty and cruel. Spending more and more time searching for the meaning of life he experimented with various drugs such as Robotussin and Vics Vapor rub to kill the painful memory of his mother Opra heartlessly forcing hot dogs down his throat. He was sick, lightly brown, and down to under 225 lbs when when he stumbled into an opium den trying to score some Sutafed . . . And it was there where he met The Filth who handed him that historic chicken wing and the future is history. A Sugar = positive energy.