Closedhandpromise

Originally formed in 2004, ClosedHandPromise is a metal/hard rock/post whatever the fuck band from Austin, Texas, USA. Following a 2-week bath salts and krokodil bender, friends Colby "Colbonix" Wilkinson and Matt "Pumpkin Escobar" Storey woke to find themselves Shanghai'd into an underground ring of gay circus clowns. Bath houses and alley ways were their home until a pair kind-hearted transvestites named Sunday "Domingo" Abreo, and Kyle "The Butcher of Bakersfield" Reeves took them in. The four formed a relationship deeper than any sodomy laws could ever break. The group of gay clown/transvestites discovered that they were in fact, great break dancers! So naturally a break dance crew was formed called "The Jizzle Kids". The Jizzle Kids toured the country for years performing in many of the same bath houses and adult book shops as Colbonix and Pumpkin had frequented. After a dramatic fall in attendance, The Jizzle Kids decided that they needed to try something different. Wanting to stay in the entertainment business, the group decided that if they were going to have success, it would be through the sultry sounds of metal (psshhh). There was only one problem, they didn't know how to play any instruments. Until one night in a flash of lighting, an old telephone booth materialized out of thin air in front of the would-be band. Out walked a balding grey haired man wearing some oddly radical clothes. The man approached and introduced himself as "Rufus". Rufus explained that he was from the future, and that he had come back in time to assist they group in becoming good musicians by taking them back in time to live and master their instruments for several years. After musical mastery, the group would return and save the world with their metal. Although confused and pretty much hammered drunk, the guys decided to listen to the crazy old bastard and hop in the telephone booth time machine. Instruments were chosen for the group by an ancient oracle with the words; Domingo, you shall play the guitar, and the sounds you produce will bring fire and doom to your enemies. Pumpkin, you shall play the bass, you deep tones will shake the Earth. Butcher, you will play keyboards and make samples, basically push as many buttons as quickly as you can and make panties drop. Colbonix, you shall front this band as the ever important singer. But so you don't get cocky, your voice will be "alright". There was only one problem, no drummer. The group decided to breed the perfect drummer for their sound. So a mixture of semen, Red Bull, and paprika (for taste) was used to fertilize an egg and be grown in a lab. His name shall be Pedro "Petorious" Navarrete exclaimed the oracle. After traveling back to the future, Petorious was waiting in the exact spot where the band originally left from (I know you're thinking, Well wouldn't he be there already in the past? No, shut up, it's my story). The band played together at a sacred mystical practice studio called "The band Co-op" and the prophecy was realized. The name of the best band in the world was deemed "ClosedHandPromise" because it sounded fucking cool at the time. The best my friends, is still to come. Austin, Texas, USA